Snow

Beautiful, wonderful., cleansing SNOW.  I love a good snow storm, just one per winter is all that I need.  Cuddling inside, everyone staying home and enjoying it, cancelled plans without guilt:)  I think it is the reality that hey!  we don't control every part of our life that appeals to me so much.  Slow down.  I need that reminder.
Yesterday the oldest had a snow day.  It was not the kind of snow day that shuts things down, sadly.  So I went off to work and thankfully daycare was open.  However, that was his second full day there, as he had MLK day off too.  Confession:  I also had MLK day off.  My plan for the day, however, was both boys spend all day at daycare, I go to buy groceries alone,  see Les Mis, get a massage, and get my haircut.  I didn't have time for the movie, but got the rest done!  Lovely.  Anyway, back to the kids.  The oldest was a little whiny last night, antsy.  He said he got a little bored at daycare.  Understandable, they did not get to play outside or go on any field trips like he did over Christmas break.
Work said the weather would be the same today, so I could work from home.  School was on, so the little one and I stayed in all day.   I cranked out some work, he played delightfully well with me overseeing, he took a 3 hour nap and I got more work done. And snuck in mopping the floor too.
This is quite an unorganized post, I just wanted to comment on my struggles to find the balance for self care.  Going from living alone, with my schedule being completely my own to now having to be home every.single.night, arrange for sitters, etc. is quite a shock. I value my alone time deeply, and also my social time.  Thankfully many of my friends have kids and so we can be together with the kids.  My little guys do wonderful in social settings (90 % of the time!) so that need of mine is met.  Its all about the balance too.  Last week Saturday my brother and sister in law babysat and I met friends for dinner.  It was wonderful: huge peach flavored margarita, an actual waitress, and so much laughter and fun along with real conversation and connection.  Last Friday my mom and her husband babysat.  I worked late (how fun!), did some shopping, and saw a movie with my sister.  Balance, balance, the ever elusive quest for it.  I think I'm learning too that if this is something I struggled with in my single, childless life -- I will struggle with it in my parenting life too.
One day at a time.  For today, I am content.  My hair is wet, as we were spontaneous and went swimming on a school night.  I am caught up on work, or at least in a caught up enough state.  I have peace that this is what I am supposed to be doing, right now. 

Night Swimming

Tonight I finally brought the boys to my local gym/health club/community center.  I signed them up for youth memberships, meaning we can use the pool, rock wall, gym etc but sadly not the childcare.  However, the child care center has kind of crummy hours and I don't think we will utilize it more than once a week, and then I can pay per time.  I'm hoping to have sitters come after the boys are in bed and then I can sneak off and work out.  
The pool area is gorgeous: a small lazy river, big water slide, lots of sprinklers... very fun.  The oldest boy just loved it.  Swam like a little fish, thought the big slide was amazing, had a great time.  Little guy - keep in mind he is getting over being sick and just needs his sleep! - cried and clung to me like a little koala bear.  He said it was fun, many times, while whimpering.  Haha.  I think it was good bonding for us, he learned that I will keep him safe, and we can have fun together.  I will need to creatively schedule time here for us! 
On the way home, the older boy asked me again what street the center is on, and he said "I will have to tell my mom to sign us up after she gets everything done".  My heart hurt for him.  Its an awkward dilemma: I want to expose him to as much fun, community events, and other parts of life as I can.  But those things did not have much of a place in his previous life, which makes them very new and fun for him.  That in turn makes him absolutely exhausted from all of the newness!   If he does return to birthmom, what role will fun events have in his life? 
I think I just have to believe that every positive new experience is for the good.  It exposes him to another way of living.  I am doing these things cautiously, watching his reaction before, during, and after.  I'm trying to phase him!  Tomorrow we are off to a big birthday party for my best friend's three year old.  I'm curious to see how he will handle that.  He's excited that there will be boys his age there.  I love the opportunity for him to see how families can function healthfully. 

Three weeks, two days IN

This wild new journey is moving along.  I no longer feel like I'm playing house.  This reality is all too real, too raw, and very very full.  Full of feelings and so very much exhaustion.  I struggle daily knowing what to say, how to act, how to parent.  How to build an attachment with a nine year old boy.  Showing someone who has no idea how a mother "should" be at that age is well, pretty awkward!  I kiss him good-night on his head, tell him I love him, and try to get little hugs, head rubs, and snuggles in here and there.  He is receptive of it, but not demanding of it.  He said in the car yesterday "My mom says it will be hard for you when Little Brother leaves, because he's so little".  I quickly said "I will also miss you very much".  What a thing for his mom to say!  Truth is, he is a sweet, smart, inquisitive little boy.  He catches on fast, desires to please me, and wants to be a kid.  He has a great attention span, doesn't usually argue with me, and is really enjoying our routine.  But he's figuring out boundaries.  Silly example:  yesterday after school he stood at the entrance to the living room for about five minutes, just looking in the room, while I started dinner.  He had his shoes on still.  A rule we have is no shoes in the living room, try to take them off near the door, but as there is not much room there, the kitchen is also permissible.  I just kept an eye on him, determined not to scold or nag him.  Finally he said something like "I'm going to go and get some toy".  I said "Oh, you forgot your shoes!".  He said "Oh I can't believe I forgot!"  So, one small one.  One segment where I chose to use politeness, kindness, and positive intent.  I need to remember that my day is filled with opportunities to start fresh.  Yesterday the drive after school was horrendous.  We had two hours until bedtime.  I reminded myself that I have eight chances, eight fifteen minute segments, to show love, grace, and try to have fun.  It really worked!  I didn't worry about finishing lunches or doing dishes.  We played some games and went to bed with only the little one tantruming. 

Positives:  the boys are good sleepers.  The food battles are getting better.  We have adapted fruits as part of our meals, and the next challenge will be vegetables :)  Our daycare center is great.  The boys are social and love being part of my busy life, and have not tired of meeting new people.  I have an amazing support system and I'm letting them love me and pray for me. 

The New Adventure Begins...

Now comes the time, where investing my love also means investing my life.  (Mumford and Sons is my absolute favorite, fyi.)
Becoming a foster parent is a desire I have had for a couple of  years now.  I never knew how it would work for me exactly, but knew that someday I wanted to do this.  Last year I bought a house, with two extra bedrooms.  I don't need all of that room!  I also switched jobs, to one with more stable hours that I have control over.  But it still was not time, as my season of grief was still very intense.  The season of grief lifted in June.  Grief is still always with me, but it is different now.  I gave myself the summer for self care, and that it was!
So in September, the foster care journey began.  I work in the field, so I was aware of how it goes.  The agency I worked with is wonderful, my licensing worker is fabulous, so licensing has been pretty straightforward.  Keep in mind that there is just me to get all of the information on, not a household of people.
Two weeks ago I got an email saying we are almost complete with your homestudy, and oh wait, there is a potential placement.  I gasped and thought about it, prayed out loud, and said let me know more.  Sure, this is soon, but I didn't sign up for this to say NO.  If the timing is right, it will work out.  Slowly more information was shared with me.  The placement is for two boys, who are 3 and 9.  They are moving from a relative placement for reasons not related to the boys behaviors (whew!).
The past week was a flurry of preparing my house, lifestyle, and heart for this.  I am amazed by the supportive community around me who is welcoming these boys so well.  Today I checked the state's website, and sure enough, I am now listed as a licensed foster parent!  Hoping and praying that today means MOVE day.